The gift of presence

As I sat in the back of our neighborhood yogurt shop and listened intently to Dean and James, I realized that one of the greatest gifts that a mentor offers is simply this: presence.

In a society where time is a hot commodity, mentors leverage this asset in a powerful way. As I watched this mentor pair interact, it was evident that Dean has been a consistent presence for his mentee James during his time of transition out of homelessness. James spoke of a time when several days had gone by when he didn’t hear from his Trusted Mentor. James had been struggling personally, and Dean had been consistently messaging him or dropping a quick call. Because James had gotten used to Dean’s consistent support, he felt the void when it was absent. It turns out that Dean had his own personal emergency come up—thankfully, James was able to help him through it. Tables were turned and James was present for his mentor.

I often remind our volunteers that being a mentor is indeed more about “being” present than “doing” xyz for their mentees. A mentor is consistent, supportive, encouraging, uplifting, trusting, hopeful. A mentor is truly many thing--but presence is paramount.

 I recently heard from another woman who just began mentoring a young adult aging out of foster care who turns 22 next month and therefore loses financial subsidy.  I asked a more seasoned Trusted Mentor what his advice to her would be.  Andrew offered several practical ways she could help her mentee around issues such as financial responsibility.  And he ended his advice with these words: “Be there”.

In the book Bowling Alone, Robert D. Putnam shows how we have become increasingly disconnected from family, friends, neighbors, etc. Putnam warns that our stock of social capital -- the very fabric of our connections with each other-- has plummeted, impoverishing our lives and communities.

Putnam draws on evidence including nearly 500,000 interviews over the last quarter century to show that we know our neighbors less, meet with friends less frequently, and even socialize with our families less often. Putnam shows how changes in work, family structure, age, suburban life, television, computers, and other factors have contributed to this decline. In my work with the homeless and at-risk community, I see the evidence of social isolation—loneliness, depression, hopelessness, despair. We are made for connection and something is lost in our human experience without these significant relationships.

 I frequently refer to Bowling Alone and Putnam’s findings when I share the benefits of the mentoring relationship—both for the mentor and the mentee. Mentoring is a way to reconnect relationally. Mentoring is as easy as giving the gift of your presence to another. Thanks to all of our Trusted Mentors—thanks, Dean, Vanessa and Andrew, for being there.  If you’re interested in connecting as a Trusted Mentor, please checkout our website at www.trustedmentors.org or email info@trustedmentors.org.

 

Mentors Bridge the Gap

Two words struck a chord while reading the Indy Star article on the Davidson Street homeless camp closing this Monday:  family and community.

I first visited the Davidson Street camp a couple of months ago and was immediately struck by the number of refugees living there—from Sierra Leone, from Liberia, from Haiti, from other war torn countries. Mostly young men, all without families, several escaped homes that had been ravaged by civil wars, genocide, and natural disasters.

These young men had enjoyed some of the opportunities provided to them by the U.S., not the least of these being the opportunity to obtain a college education. A couple of the young men shared with me that they had completed one to three years of higher ed until tragic bits of their stories caught up to them in the form of mental illness. PTSD and Depression are common among this group, as well as the general population living under the bridge and in our communities as homeless neighbors.

A new friend, Leroy, a refugee from Liberia, shared that he had secured a job, an apartment-- stability. However, due to a glitch in the system, he ended up losing benefits that he needed to make rent; therefore, he  lost his housing and found himself living under the bridge. It was evident during my interactions with Leroy and the others that the bridge had become their community. The “Lost Boys”, as we call them, had found each other under the bridge and created their own family.

As Mentor Match Manager at Trusted Mentors, I work primarily with the formerly homeless population, matching these men and women with volunteer mentors. Mentors help bridge the gap from life on the streets to a more stable and hopefully fuller life. What the city, and many others, fail to recognize is that, regardless of the morality of the bridge closing, a community, multiple “families” were displaced, were separated, were torn apart on Monday. To make the transition from homelessness to stability will require the time, energy and efforts of all of us, of the broader community, to bridge the gap.

 

Mentor trainings held monthly. Call 317-985-5041 or email us at info@trustedmentors.org for more info or to RSVP for training.

Mentoring...from cradle to grave.

As one of my good friends turned 50 this year, she celebrated this occasion by logging nearly 550miles trekking El Camino in Spain. My friend is in the prime of her life-- enjoying travelling the world, running her own editing business, and giving back to the community in many ways as a volunteer.

In sharp contrast to her story, my 50 year old formerly homeless friend who passed away a few days ago was not the picture of health. When I met him, roughly five years ago, he was living in an abandoned house down the street from my urban office. He was squatting in his family home that was foreclosed  following  his job loss and ensuing debt. J was a college graduate, an intelligent man, but a combination of substance abuse and failing health caused his bout of homelessness. Unfortunately, hard living in addition to a chronic heart condition caught up to him and ended his life early. J was a Trusted Mentors mentee.  

A partnering agency case manager once commented, “We work with society’s cast-aways.” In reality, many of our mentees have been rejected by society, abandoned by family, and burned bridges with friends and colleagues. Many others, by deciding to “live life differently,” have walked away from friends or connections who supported their addictions or lives of crime. Either way, the formerly/ homeless and re-entry populations are at high risk of loneliness and isolation. Fortunately for J, his Trusted Mentor was able to build a quality relationship with J during the final years of his life. Still, J died alone.

One elderly mentee who is a PIH resident comes to mind as I think about our aging homeless population. Beth is in her seventies and lives alone at Partners in Housing. She has no family connections as she’s divorced and never had children. Her agency case manager referred her to Trusted Mentors because Beth (not real name) “desires companionship.”  At this stage in her life, she has no lofty goals involving education or career: she simply wants to experience some enjoyment in her life and is in need of a friend. I relish reading the reports from her mentor who shares stories of outings that the two of them enjoy together. Beth raves about the joy she shares with her mentor as they participate in community events and re-engage in hobbies (Beth is a retired artist and loves First Fridays!). I know that Beth’s mentor is adding quality to her life, during her final years.

The isolation and loneliness that plague the formerly homeless aging population can be detrimental. Loneliness may increase the risk of death among the elderly, but the health effects of social isolation may be greater than those of loneliness, according to a new study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Maintaining social contacts and reducing isolation are particularly important as we think of quality of life and future longevity.

At Trusted Mentors, we like to say that we mentor from “cradle to grave” as many of our young adult mentees are parents. The impact that our mentors have on their lives trickles down to their children. On the other side of the spectrum, please consider mentoring an older adult with Trusted Mentors. The joy and enriching value our mentors receive from their relationships with their mentees is life-changing.  If you are interested, please contact us through our website at www.trustedmentors.org or by calling our offices at 317-985-5041.  

 

A mentor can be a real saving grace...

I just returned from a match meeting and, as always, it was illuminating and inspiring.

What continues to make an impression on me is the strength of the human spirit as exhibited through our mentees. I sat in the room this afternoon with a woman, a mother, who had over the last year lost her son, endured a bitter divorce, lost her job, her home, and has had to manage a debilitating illness. Yet, this woman’s spirit still lit up the room.

Her story, unfortunately, is not uncommon. Yet her inner strength and resilience is one that boggles the mind. I often encounter mothers who have lost children due to the system, to an ex-spouse, to domestic violence, sometimes even to death. As a mother myself, nothing cuts deeper then the idea of losing my child.

The depth of human spirit that can resurrect a joyful soul out of the ashes of loss is dumbfounding. What is just as exceptional is the willingness to step out again in relationship. Our mentees have all experienced losses (mentors too!), yet they continue to take steps forward. Opening up to a new mentor relationship is an act of faith; it opens the mentee up to potential hurt or disappointment that accompanies any new relationship. They are “putting themselves out there” relationally: they are vulnerable. They are taking a risk.

This mentee freely admitted that her trials are not yet over. Her son is back in her home, thanks to support and advocacy from her referring agency and others; however, her housing is still unstable and employment is a question as her illness has barred her from moving forward.

Our mentees are invited to share their goals with their new mentor during their first meeting. Many of them hesitate, desiring to focus on the relationship and building trust first. However, this particular mentee filled up the page with goals…and with hope. As she moves towards stability, with her mentor guiding and supporting her along the way, I will fervently enjoy watching her blossom. I share her faith and hope in the future.

Trusted Mentors is the only agency focusing 100% on mentoring adults to combat homelessness and to improve outcomes for young adults aging out of foster care and for individuals exiting the criminal justice system. If you are interested in being a volunteer mentor, please visit our website at www.trustedmentors.org to complete a mentor application.  

Life is not a Reality Show

When "Tanya" aged out of foster care, her life was a far cry from the reality TV depictions that have captivated much of America. Tanya’s challenges have real-life consequences and hurdles that must be overcome in order to truly succeed. Read more…

As she began a college career, Tanya had to juggle both her work schedule and the responsibilities of single motherhood. Her busy lifestyle and the very real demands she faced resulted in poor grades in her classes. Consequently, Tanya lost her financial aid, began accruing college debt, and had no clear or easy path to return to school.

Without a college degree, Tanya did her best to secure entry level jobs for a young adult. She attempted restaurant/catering work, customer service, and childcare settings; but struggled to meet the scheduling demands due to inconsistent and unreliable child care and transportation issues.

As Tanya continues to map out a plan for her future, a mentor can help explore a variety of options—a good listener provides a great sounding board. A mentor helps Tanya frame stumbling blocks not as “failures” but as learning opportunities to discover what works and what doesn’t for a young single mother.

Forming healthy relationships can be hard. Tanya shares that she’s had to leave several long term friends behind as she moves in a positive direction. She has recently started a positive, healthy relationship with a young man in the military, but Tanya wonders how to “have a healthy relationship” in the long-term.  She lacks healthy role models and has multiple fears and anxieties that come from past trauma in relationships.  

Tanya is connected with a local counseling agency that can help her develop healthy relationships, parent her son, and work through the emotional issues that come with the recent loss of a foster parent.

Tanya checks in with her mentor, even though they have been together for years. She also stays in touch with the Trusted Mentors staff. At the present time, Tanya needs all the support she can get – and Trusted Mentors is happy to provide the additional encouragement Tanya desires during her transition out of foster care.

Trusted Mentors has recently partnered with the Children’s Bureau to recruit, train, match and support volunteer mentors with more young adults aging out of foster care. We are excited about this partnership and the benefits that will be reaped by those in our community like Tanya.

Please contact Trustsed Mentors to inquire about becoming a trained Trusted Mentor. You can email info@trustedmentors.org or call (317)985-5041.      

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The Power of Forgiveness

The room was still except for one powerful voice. Our guest speaker, Tim Streett, held the room’s attention as he shared his fateful story of coming to forgiveness.

Tim Streett is presently the assistant director of Shepherd Community, but his ministry work was not the focus of his talk at tonight's Trusted Mentor Recognition Night. His words carried a much more solemn tone as he shared his story of his father’s dramatic murder, which he witnessed as a teen here in Indianapolis, and his ensuing path to forgiveness.

Tim’s road to forgiveness wasn’t a straight path as he took several detours with drugs and alcohol during his college years. He related that he felt a hole in his chest that was “God-sized” and used substances to try to fill that empty void--to no avail. His emptiness could not be medicated.

Tim eventually found the courage to forgive his father’s murderers by reaching out to these men who were serving life prison sentences. Tim talked about forgiveness as an “action” that serves as the first step to inner healing. Tim shared that he wasn’t able to release his anger and bitterness within until he took the critical step of forgiving his father’s killers.

As I panned the room filled with mentors and mentees-- men and women with various backgrounds including ex-offenders, formerly homeless individuals, and young adults aging out of foster care-- I could almost see the message seeping in.

One female mentee is still dealing with her own anger toward an abusive parent. In adulthood, her anger had turned into bitterness and then severe depression that was exasperated by job loss—this tragic mix led to a bout of homelessness for her.

One young man was working on forgiving his mother for giving him up for adoption and forgiving his father for never being present in his life.

I could only imagine some of our other mentees who’d served their own prison sentences for various crimes and how they struggle with their own paths to forgiveness, including forgiving themselves.

Yet, through all of these trials and hurts, each mentee has developed a relationship with a mentor. These relationships can set the foundation for healing past wounds.  The road to healing can be long; however, anyone who’s been hurt has been hurt in relationship with other people. Significantly, we’re also healed through healthy relationships, the kind of relationships that are formed through Trusted Mentors.   

 I am grateful for our mentors who are walking alongside their mentees along their paths to wholeness.

 

Close to Home

 A lot of the Trusted Mentor stories are emotional, but this particular one is personal.

About 8 years ago, I started working in an urban community where I have eventually settled in as a homeowner. The agency I worked for, and am still connected to, equips and empowers low-income families as they pursue their dreams of first-time homeownership.

One of my first families was a single mother named Julie (not real name), with two teen children. Julie had recently completed a program in administration at Training Inc. and was fortunate enough to land a nice-paying job immediately following graduation. Julie had paid off her debt, began saving, and came to our agency ready to become a homeowner. She was so excited to build a legacy for her family by having something to pass on to her children. This accomplishment was especially sweet as Julie had grown up in the foster care system and had lived in multiple shelters and group homes, experiencing an unstable childhood--to say the least.

Over a year ago, Julie’s house burned down while the family was away on Thanksgiving break. The family returned home only to find a charred shell of a house. By this time, Julie had lost her nice-paying job and was unemployed. The tragedy of losing a home was too much to bear, so the family decided to start over in another state.

About a month ago, I received a phone call from Julie, indicating that her daughter, Camille, who recently turned 18, had decided to move back to Indianapolis to reunite with friends and her network of support. Her goal was to enroll into a local older teen/ young adult transitional home, go to school and start her career. Unfortunately, things have not worked out as orderly as she planned. Camille called me soon after arriving in Indy with a frightening plight. The family that she had planned to stay with lost their housing and she would soon be homeless in February. Since she didn’t have the necessary ID (many homeless folks don’t), she had to seek help from an agency who sent off for paperwork…a 3 week or more wait ensued. In the meantime, she’s been staying in a homeless women’s shelter and has already started working on her GED.

As she waits for her ID so that she can enroll into the homeless transitional housing, a more stable environment, she tries daily to keep her spirits up. While working with a partner agency to coordinate services for her, the young case manager has indicated to me that the most important thing we can do now is surround Camille with a network of support. I talked to her about matching Camille with a Trusted Mentor and she jumped at the opportunity, stating that one thing that makes a difference for these young adults trying to make it is positive adult support.

So, the three of us have set a lunch date to cheerlead Camille. I am happy that she will also be our newest mentee awaiting a Trusted Mentor to develop a meaningful relationship of support. I will stay involved in Camille’s life for some time to come, and I look forward to adding a mentor to her support network. Please consider becoming a mentor to encourage folks like Camille.